Finally, a Star Wars movie to satiate its core fanbase: social justice lesbians and people who use the word “diverse” in every other sentence.
As someone who grew up watching the original saga, looking up to badass characters like Han Solo, Star Wars was a huge part of my childhood. I built the LEGO Star Wars play sets, had all the Star Wars video games, and loved to re-watch my favorite episodes.
STAR WARS WASN’T ALWAYS A FAGGY NERD SERIES
To anyone who wasn’t introduced by the original series, or seen them at all, I promise you this: Star Wars was never this nerdy and gay. The classics weren’t sci-fi geek-tier as much as they were badboy action-adventure movies with cool space fighting aspects. The costumes were simple and clean, the set designs were beautiful and often handmade, and Carrie Fisher was on a fuck-ton of cocaine.
Today’s Star Wars misses the mark on everything cool. Shitty CGI/green screen effects, boring actors, and corny storylines. Nobody cares about romance scenes between some chubby Asian character introduced an hour ago and the black ex-stormtrooper from the last bad movie.
The reason Luke/Leia/Han’s romantic scenes worked is because they were lovable and interesting characters with solid stories built-up behind them. They had purpose and reason, they were three dimensional. They weren’t just some diversity hires for a sci-fi reboot.
On top of everything wrong with the new episodes, the new age of fans make it even worse.
I loved #TheLastJedi! It hit all the right notes for me, and seeing it in the Chinese Theater, surrounded by my fellow nerds was glorious. The Force was with us.
Oh, and I went in costume for the first time ever, because I am a damn adult and I get to decide what that means. pic.twitter.com/mTqB0LP4hV
— Wil 'Kick the Nazis off the tweeters' Wheaton (@wilw) December 15, 2017
THE WHOLE MOVIE IS UGLY AND OFF-BRAND
These past two episodes are set in the years after Return of the Jedi, right? Then why the fuck does it all look Phantom Menace-level ugly?
J.J. Abrams had unimaginable potential to carry on the near perfect aesthetic of the original Star Wars saga. Tailored, desert-colored tunics, attractive film grain, towering evil machines.
Instead, he went ahead with giving the main character (Rey) a pair of FUCKING CAPRI
LEGGINGS AND A SOCCER MOM VEST. The other characters looks equally horrible, with the exception of Kylo Ren, who is arguably the only cool character in this entire abortion. The reason Kylo Ren works so well is because he’s handsome, well-dressed, and lives to beat the shit out of unsightly rebel scum. I’d join the dark side if I saw that many female rebel pilots, too.
It’s a disgrace to ignore the aesthetic genius available when inheriting the series. Every scene in the old movies was pleasing to look at, nothing was passed over.
THE AWKWARD POSTMODERNIST HUMOR
This is without a doubt my main concern with The Last Jedi.
An integral part of the classic films was the humor. It was often subtle. Even when not, it was hard not to smile. The original saga was effortless in charm and style. It was cast and written to be that way. The little smirks, winks, and every tiny facial expression felt genuine and alive. The audience was left with the impression that they really just watched Harrison Ford, in his prime, outrun an Imperial Star Destroyer with his trusted ship and crew.
Enter the new series, mainly The Last Jedi, with its clunky, postmodernist attempt at humor. The jokes and story itself are wrapped in this awkward layer of irony to the point of absurdity. It gives a defensive impression, as if in the event of any harsh criticism, they can claim, “oh, that scene was facetious and you shouldn’t take it so seriously.”
The whole movie comes off like a Seinfeld episode. Nothing feels as though it was made with sincerity. There are at least five scenes in The Last Jedi where you are miraculously almost immersed in the narrative before a character does something completely sitcom-esque, like one scene where Rey hands Luke his lightsaber and he tosses it behind him after a dramatic pause.
The comedy in the movie is reminiscent of a less funny episode of Family Guy, and any sense of camaraderie within the cast is absent. They need not bother with a blooper reel on the DVD release, because the film itself suffices.
I’m not saying that some of the humorous scenes won’t make you laugh, but the way they go about it simply isn’t very Star Wars at all.
FORCED DIVERSITY, FLACCID MESSAGES, AND WASTED POTENTIAL
There is a painfully obvious “diversity” agenda at play throughout the whole thing. It’s almost assumed this would happen and explaining it in too much detail is pointless.
You have the ethnic team of rebels taking down the entirely white empire, and that’s about it. I think the darkest person on the dark side was Kylo, and he’s only 50% something at most. The casting team needs to take notes from Lando Calrissian, the coolest black character in the series.
Other than that, there’s a giraffe-necked, purple-haired gender studies professor at command of the Rebel cruiser the whole movie. Basically, she’s fucking annoying. She dies or something anyways. Not sure why they casted someone who looks like she should be peering over my shoulder when I pick up anything that isn’t Harry Potter at a womyn-owned bookstore in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
But, moving on…
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
The whole thing overall is really bad, but if you don’t mind spending the money, you should go see it if only to share the pain of millions of one-time fans. It’s like paying $18 to see a three-hour car crash, one that happened because too many women were driving.
I found out that Carrie Fisher died around the time they filmed this movie. Coincidence?
Mike Ma is an art director and designer for MILO, Inc.