YEAR IN REVIEW: 2017’s Most Eligible SJW Sweethearts

Whether punching Nazis, galavanting on the red carpet at the GLAAD Awards, or hobnobbing with newly discovered genders, 2017 introduced us to some fresh (and available!) faces in Marxism.

Toppling systems of oppression with the stroke of a keyboard is just in a day’s work for these stunning and brave individuals who kept our flames for justice burning…and our hearts throbbing! 

While all of these sexy Stalinists may not technically be single, all’s fair in love and the culture war. And besides, every polyamorous relationship has room for one more, dontchathink?

Brush that hair, ladies, straighten those ties, lads, and better make room for two in your safe space. Here are some of the Most Eligible SJWs of the last year.  


Zack Ford

Image: Breitbart

This cuddly crusader is LGBTQ editor at heartthrob John Podesta’s Think Progress, and describes himself as a “gay, atheist, bi/trans ally, proud SJW, and pianist.”  

Notably, Zesty Zack really stuck it to white supremacy after three police officers were shot in Baton Rouge in 2016, when he said it was “no surprise” members of law enforcement were being killed by black people as “police haven’t been held accountable for murdering black people.”

Since the Russians installed a racist fascist dictator to be president of the United States, Frisky Ford has spent most of the past year documenting the secret construction of gay concentration camps under the Trump/Pence regime. Or, at least he’s trying to. He hasn’t turned anything up yet.  


Alok Vaid-Menon

Image: Facebook

Lights! Camera! Justice! Alok Vaid-Menon is one of social justice’s premier poets and performance artists. Flirty in pink, or mischievous in they’s signature aqua-green lipstick, Alok is heels-to-hairnet non-stop glamour. Calling to mind a younger, woker Liz Taylor, or a non-white Madonna, you may have spotted this gender gazelle dancing across the pages of VICE, MTV, The New York Times, The Guardian, Buzzfeed or countless other woke media.

As  a “gender non-conforming, transfeminine” they smashes fascism and the patriarchy with informative videos explaining the specialness of being non-binary, and why you’re probably a bigot. Watch those furballs, kitties. Meow! 


Christie Elan-Cane

Image: The Guardian

Watch out Star Wars fans, xe’s a gender-star destroyer! Christie Elan-Cane is toppling oppression in the U.K., one box-tick at a time. The gender-neutral activist rightly says passports discriminate against “non-gendered” people by making them choose a sex on the current application form. This stunning and brave elder statesperson spent 25 years of xe’s life fighting the gendered passport issue and finally (FINALLY!) the British High Court heard xit’s case in October. But the jury’s still out. Solider on, supreme leader of the non-gendered…and give us a ring next time you want to cuddle up and play some Wolfenstein. 


Michael Isaacson 

image: Blue Lives Matter

Woke Americans became hot for teacher this year when we met pansexual professor Mike Isaacson after he appeared on Faux News’s Tucker Carlson Tonight to discuss smashing the fash and frying cops like bacon. The Nazis tried to shut down the Angel-Eyed Antifa when they discovered he once tweeted, “Some of y’all might think it sucks being an anti-fascist teaching at John Jay College but I think it’s a privilege to teach future dead cops.” Turns out, the Erotic Educator has a bad boy side, when his profile on a fetish website was discovered, revealing he’s into bondage. You can hogtie us any day, Professor Proletariat. Just bring the appropriate consent forms.   


Jacob Tobia

Image: Cosmopolitan

Trigger warning! With the grace of Audrey Hepburn, the spunk of Mae West, and the powerful style of Sofia Vergara this red carpet rabble rouser is waking up minds, and libidos. You may have seen “model + actress + goddess + loser + funny lady” Jacob Tobia as a co-producer on MSNBC’s Queer 2.0 and featured on an episode of MTV’s True Life: I’m GenderqueerIn 2017, she partnered with GLAAD to create videos on “transgender visibility.” If you’re yearning for the sandpapery caress of a real woman’s stubble, we hear she’s single!   


Chelsea Manning 

Image via Democracy Now

What a big year for the stunning and brave Chelsea Manning. This true American hero, we can safely say, was the only thing good to ever come out of the U.S. military, ever. And, girl, has she been busy. After getting out of jail early for treason, she had a Vogue photoshoot with Annie Leibovitz, was named to Foreign Policy‘s list of “Global reThinkers,” and graced the cover of the usually racist cis-centric OUT magazine as “Newsmaker of the Year” in December.

Is she single? That’s one bit of Top Secret information Chelsea’s isn’t giving up so easily! 


Meredith Talusan

image: Twitter

This power-player in plurality and editox of the wokest site on earth that’s also owned by a multinational corporation, Conde Nast’s Them, alerted us this year to gut-wrenching news about the state of racist transphobia in America. Non-binary people are having trouble getting dates, xe claims.

Writing for Vice, Talusan said of xer friends, the Jaw-dropping Jacob Tobia and the Magical Alok Vaid-Menon, “…nobody is more puzzled than me as to why such obvious catches are having dating problems when so many clamor for their attention,” Talusan wrote. We love you Meredith, but can’t get a date? Get real, that’s Fake News!


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