When I am perusing the headlines of the mainstream media, or dumpster diving on Blue Checkmark Twitter, mainly to find material to fisk or laugh at, since the news is a joke these days, I often come across statements so utterly bizarre, so diametrically opposed to reality, that I could easily see them as being emitted from a parallel reality.
A few days ago, Newsweek told us that Ivanka Trump had “plagiarized” one of her own speeches. This is utter nonsense. It’s beyond being merely wrong and straight into a Twilight Zone of stupidity where even the statement by itself is no longer logically coherent. You cannot plagiarize yourself. That would be like stealing from yourself. It doesn’t make any sense.
Perhaps in this parallel universe, plagiarize means something entirely different.
Back in June, Broadly put out an article discussing the trend of millennial women marrying themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. The article discussed women who married themselves. Now, I know with all the gay marriage hoopla from the last few years there might be some confusion as to the nature of marriage, but I’m pretty sure you can’t get married without at least one other person.
But in the parallel universe, marriage might mean ceremonial masturbation or something. I don’t know.
MSNBC host Joy Reid pushed out a tweet in which she bloviated about the threat rural Americans pose to democracy, lamenting about how they have disproportionate power over the urban majority. Call me crazy, but if we’re going to discuss democracy in America, I’d imagine that would include rural folks, too. Besides, census data tells us that rural Americans account for approximately 15-20% of the population. The electoral college does give a little extra weight to rural areas, and the two-senator rule gives them a little extra too. But the urban majority outnumbers them 5 to 1. If anything, the threat is that the majority can trample on that minority whenever they really feel like it.
However, Joy Reid may live in a parallel universe where isolated metro areas are surrounded by overpopulated hordes of rural Mad Max road gangs. What do I know?
Self-described film critic Kate Morgan has been on a man-hating crusade recently, ending with this little gem: “BE WELL ADVISED WORLD, IF YOU HAVE A PENIS YOU PROBABLY DESERVE MURDERING.” I have left it in the original all-caps for comic effect. Honestly, the tweet explains itself. I don’t really have any commentary to add.
In the parallel universe, possession of a penis is punishable by the death penalty.
Recently, The New Yorker published a piece (it’s NSFW, google it if you dare) on somethingthey called art: namely an obese woman named Laura Aguilar posing naked in a series of pictures, some of which date back to the 90s, designed to have a vaguely political motive. The headline for the piece is interesting: “A Mexican-American Photographer’s Body, On Display and Invisible.”
I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that an obese naked woman is anything but invisible. If you’re brave enough to click on the so-called art, you can see for yourself how not-invisible she really is.
Apparently, in the parallel universe, invisible means grossly overweight, and art means crawling out into the desert and taking naked pictures nobody in their right mind wants to see. And also, in this parallel universe, The New Yorker is some kind of rag that’s actually worth reading.
Ever since Vice President Pence explained that he preferred not to be alone with women other than his wife, the usual media talking heads exploded into laughter and condemnation. Some laughed at his seemingly outdated moral sensibilities, while others accused him of using this so-called extreme measure to avoid being tempted to rape women, or something along those lines.
The fact that the latter thought even occurs to them is profoundly disturbing by itself. This line of thinking has inexplicably continued even after Harvey Weinstein set in motion a chain-reaction of sexual allegations against numerous celebrity and political figures.
In the parallel universe, I guess you’re supposed to make fun of the one guy who is basically sex scandal proof. Clearly he’s an idiot and doesn’t know what he’s doing, right?
A few days ago on Twitter, Tressie McMillan Cottom explained that Libertarians were Nazis who didn’t want their houses egged. Yes, Libertarians. Wanting a small government and to be generally left alone has nothing to do with Nazism. It’s not even remotely similar on any level whatsoever. It would be like calling a truck a pterodactyl. It’s utter lunacy.
History in the parallel universe must have proceeded rather differently than it did in our timeline. I guess over there, rabid Libertarians are invading Russia and firing up the gas chambers for genocide.
According to the Huffington Post, Stephen Colbert told President Trump the following with regards to Matt Lauer’s firing: “Listen up, you don’t get to comment.” This also needs no extra explanation.
In the parallel universe, has-been snarkocrats apparently get to order around the President of the United States.
Back in September, The Independent ran an article with an interesting headline: “How Sonequa Martin-Green became the first black lead of Star Trek: ‘My casting says the sky is the limit for all’.” Eventually they corrected this headline by adding black female lead after hordes of confused Star Trek fans reported it. I suppose there is some kind of connection between the two universes, after all.
Nonetheless, this tells us that in their universe Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Avery Brooks’s Benjamin Sisko either did not exist, or perhaps in that universe Avery Brooks had been born Filipino or something. I don’t know.
For now, it appears wise to keep these two very different universes as far apart as possible. If this were an episode of Star Trek, I would suggest that we close the boundary layer between us and this insane mirror universe as quickly as possible, before more damage can leak through.
Already we are seeing signs that this strange alternate reality is beginning to merge with our own. A Democrat has won in Alabama. Let that sink in for a moment. In the parallel universe, Alabama is full of Lefties.
God help us all if their universe manages to completely merge with ours. There is no telling how much chaos could result from such an event. Why, Americans might even start saying Donald Trump is not actually their president.
Thales is a DJ, Byzantinist, sad puppy, and another defender of the West woken up by social justice idiocy.
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