Late pornstar August Ames shared her struggles with depression and ostracization from her own family after she was raped by her grandfather.
Ames, whose real name is Mercedes Grabowski, took her own life this week after she was mobbed by bullies on Twitter in the gay porn industry for saying she wouldn’t want to have sex with “crossover” performers from the gay scene for health reasons.
Speaking to podcast host Holly Randall on Unfiltered in September, the Canadian pornstar spoke candidly about her struggles with depression. “Some days I’ll be fine, and if I’m not doing anything I’ll get these awful flashbacks of my childhood and I get very depressed. I can’t get out of bed and cancel my scenes for like a week or two,” Ames said in the now-deleted podcast episode.
“It was just awful,” she added. “It’s still recent where I have to keep myself occupied or else I start thinking about all that shit and then I fall into a depression. I try to do therapy. I hate that word, I hate therapy.”
Ames explained that she had an “awful” relationship with her dad after she told him that her grandfather had molested her. Ames’ father did not believe her.
“I tried to forget about it and talk to him about how I was feeling about my childhood and everything, because there was a lot of sexual molestation — not from my father but from his — so I had to suffer from being molested by my grandfather,” she said. “When I finally told my dad he didn’t believe me. The issue was never resolved. All my life I grew up a liar by my dad and his side of the family.”
Ames said she had difficult experiences with therapists because they would dismiss her the instant they learned of her profession.
“I would get in contact with some people and then I would feel badly because they’d be like ‘what’s your profession and I’d be like ‘oh, I’m in the adult industry’ and then I’d feel like they’re like ‘oh, that’s the whole reason that you are the way you are’ and then I’d get turned off,” she said, adding that she was now medicated to treat her bipolar disorder and depression.
During the hour-long conversation, Ames revealed her struggle with drugs. She told show host Holly Randall how a father of the child she was babysitting when she was 15 offered her cocaine to strip naked.
Ames said that she turned to drugs and alcohol to escape her depression for a time, but no longer used them. “I don’t drink alcohol anymore. When I would drink, I’d black out every time. I used to smoke a lot of weed too, I used to be a big stoner but I’ve cut that out too. I just drink water now.”
The late adult performer said that whenever she felt low, she would go through her old photos to look for a happy selfie to post on Instagram.