HALLOQUEEN

WELCOME TO HALLOQUEEN

 

(SLIDE: SOLITARY FLICKERING CANDLE) –

 

SHOW STARTS

 

(SLIDE: MILO IN DOG COLLAR WITH “PLEASE BE UPSTANDING FOR FATHER MILO”) –

 

MILO ENTERS TO THE LACRIMOSA FROM MOZART’S REQUIEM DRESSED IN CLERICAL GARB

 

WALKS TO A COFFIN WITH ‘HOLLYWOOD’ PRINTED ON THE SIDE AND ISSUES THE LAST RITES, TOSSING WATER ON THE COFFIN AND AT THE FRONT ROW  

 

WALKS TO PODIUM

 

So that’s two things Kevin Spacey has in common with Mohammed. The first one is they both had beards.  

 

A round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, for the soon-to-be-deceased Hollywood. Wasn’t it nice while it lasted? Let us pray.

 

O Lord,

 

We thank you today for the spectacular irony of the entire media and entertainment establishment falling in a wave of sexual harassment allegations that stem from the man-hating, social justice-infused mob culture they themselves created. Who can say You have no sense of humour after the events of the last month?

 

Keep this congregation safe from harm, Lord. Keep any aspiring actresses, by which I mean anyone in the room pursuing a degree that ends in “Studies,” far from Beverly Hills hotel rooms with the rapey warthogs of the movie business. Let them find success on their own merits, rather than taking a massive payout to get touched up by Harvey Weinstein and then speaking up 30 years later when their careers begin to falter.

 

Keep conservatives strong and defiant in the face of the enemy, in the face of censorship, bureaucratic interference, violence from the ogres and apparitions of the left and the slimey swamp-dwellers of the media and Washington DC.

 

And keep our gay brothers and sisters sober, because now, apparently, thanks to Mr Spacey, being drunk and gay is a plausible excuse for trying to fuck a child.

 

Amen.

 

You may sit.

 

Welcome to Troll Academy and this special HALLOQUEEN edition of my new tour.

 

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. If Father Michael had been this hot, I never would have reported the old bastard.

 

I’m kidding, of course. No one’s looked this good in a dog collar since Lena Dunham won the Westminster Kennel Club Show.

 

My name is Father MILO, the spookiest man in America according to freakish journalists, predatory Hollywood producers, your decaying professors, the ghoulish Hillary Clinton and the braying, unwashed masses outside who are protesting white supremacy and neo-Nazism by trying to silence a gay Catholic Jewish immigrant with a black husband.

 

And if you’re unsettled by my costume, relax. Who knew the Catholic church had nothing on a couple of generations in Hollywood? If I’d really wanted to creep you out I’d have come as Jabba the Hutt and invited you upstairs for a casting session.

 

Tonight of course is Halloween, the night when the walls between the living and the dead are at their thinnest — almost as porous as the border between the US and Mexico. Let’s hope by this time next year President Daddy has erected the wall. In the meantime, it’s last rites and life support all round!

 

It’s also, if news reports are to believed, Allah-ween. Again. Allah-ween comes round a lot more often than once a year thanks to our friends from the Religion of Peace, and true to form this year they have provided us with a grisly October 31 spectacle in New York. About ten people are dead.

 

Whatever his motivations — and even though he was yelling ‘allahu akhbar’ this attack of course has nothing to do with Islam — I’m sure gun control and being nicer to Muslims is the answer.

 

I knew that I had to come to California for Halloween, because it’s one of the few places in America where you live in a fun-house full of goblins and ghouls 365 days a year.

 

At Halloween we are presented with a ghoulish vision of a world full of demons and monsters. Like a white privilege seminar or a Clinton fundraiser. For one night the moral order collapses and a new one emerges.

 

That is what is happening on campuses. We are winning. We are beating them. They scream blue murder that we are allowed to speak and then at the first sight of trouble they evaporate. Where are they tonight? They won’t debate, they’ve even stopped protesting. They are broken. We are prevailing. Now is the time to press home the advantage.

 

Pleading, threats and bullying from the progressive left are masking their panic and desperation.

 

My security team said they had a hell of a job sorting protesters from guests on Facebook. We tried to give out a cash prize in advance to one of the most terrifying trick or treaters out there, only to be told she was an Indigenous Studies professor.

 

We decided in the end to give the prize to a couple at the back there. He’s Harvey Weinstein and she’s a potted plant.

 

The protesters and left wing fanatics who threaten us, who won’t say anything when a Muslim maniac kills a dozen people but are really very upset at “islamophobia” on Twitter, don’t believe in your right to express yourself. Or your right to defend yourself.

 

But not only are they morally and legally in the wrong — they are also in the minority. A study released by the Cato Institute just today reveals the following:

 

  • 71 per cent of Americans say political correctness has silenced discussions society needs to have
  • 73 per cent of Republicans have political views they are afraid to share
  • 51 per cent of strong liberals say it’s “morally acceptable” to punch Nazis
  • 65 per cent of Republicans say NFL players should be fired if they refuse to stand for the anthem
  • People of color do not find most microaggressions offensive
  • 66 per cent say colleges aren’t doing enough to teach students the value of free speech
  • 65 per cent think colleges should discipline students who shut down campus speakers
  • 68 per cent say a baker shouldn’t be required to bake a cake for a same-sex wedding

 

That’s what the American people believe. But you wouldn’t know it to step on a college campus today. By the way, 63 per cent of Republicans say journalists are an “enemy of the American people.” They’re right about that.

 

$38 billion in Federal taxpayer money was given out to universities in 2015 just for “research” alone. In many cases over half of that money goes just to salaries and facilities. Your parents are paying excruciating taxes to fund diversity departments that call conservatives racist and sexist and work to shut down your choices of speaker on campus.

 

According to the American Enterprise Institute, if you cross-reference data from FIRE.org with figures from the National Science Foundation, of the 30 higher-education institutions that collected the most federal research funds in 2015, 26 maintain formal policies restricting constitutionally-protected speech.

 

Free academic enquiry has never been at greater risk. American higher education has never been more closed-minded and students have never graduated so completely dumb.

 

It is time to withhold federal funding from any college in America that does not guarantee its speakers and its students full and unfettered freedom of speech.

 

Federal money must be withheld from institutions that do not demonstrate a lasting and sincere commitment to protecting the speech of conservatives in particular on campus. When it comes to oppressed communities and marginalized groups, there is no tribe in America at greater physical and existential risk than the campus conservative.


This is a problem throughout American society. Some of my other private venue shows have been canceled, most recently in Arizona, because promoters and venues talk a good game until furious liberals attack them on social media. Then they collapse into a sobbing heap quicker than a teenager in Kevin Spacey’s dressing room.

 

But here in universities the solution is easy, quick and definitive. Just stop giving money colleges who routinely abuse, humiliate, belittle, demean and punish libertarians and conservatives and the speakers that those students want to hear. Call for the defunding of your own schools. Trust me, nothing will terrify your administrators so much — not even me.

 

I used to caution prudence to conservative students in the face of oppressive liberal authorities. But we are now past that point in history. I call on you to rebel.

 

The left says it wants to become ungovernable. I say we should become uncensorable. When they protest our speeches with broken bottles and baseball bats, we must organize ten more.

 

When they shriek and spit at the sound of a joke or a bad word, we must tell five more jokes and use even worse language.

 

Our response to speech codes must be defiance and our rejoinder to political correctness must be an outstretched arm and a middle finger.

 

Unlike authoritarians elsewhere, the American progressive left cannot — yet — stick a gun in our face for using the wrong word. That only happens in dictatorships Germany and England, where you can be arrested for “being offensive.” No prizes for guessing why I haven’t been home in a while.

 

But they can and do use the tactics of public shaming and social pressure to make us conform to their odious value systems while hypocritically excusing themselves from living up their own rule book. This has been made crystal clear by the recent sexual harassment allegations leveled at Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey, both naturally noted Trump-haters.

 

Speaking of Spacey, I’m delighted to announce that tonight’s show will be presented in SPACEYVISION, with pictures of the most sinister man in America.

 

SLIDE: KEVIN SPACEY LOOKING SINISTER (EVERY SLIDE THEREAFTER TO INCLUDE KEVIN SPACEY SOMEWHERE IN IT) –

 

I’ll get cracking with the show soon. But first some congratulations. To you guys.

 

The conservative students of California are made of sterner stuff than the pussywhipped pansies of the press. You’re under attack twenty-four hours a day, and from apparitions more terrifying even than bitter Buzzfeed bloggers. You’ve been brave enough to elect Ariana Rowlands and her Rebuild CCR slate to run your College Republicans, saving the statewide conservative movement for a decade.

 

So thank you for taking an evening off from rebuffing the advances of Hollywood producers to join me tonight.

 

It’s tough to believe some of the details about Harvey Weinstein, isn’t it? For instance, that he only needed a week in rehab before being totally cured.

 

Harvey Weinstein tried to distract us from the details of allegations against him if you recall. He said he would dedicate his life to battling the NRA. Presumably because battling his cholesterol level would be too difficult.

 

Harvey Weinstein is despicable, but even his demented mind illustrates that men are more logical than women. Harvey became morbidly obese to make his victims feel even worse after sleeping with him so their shame would prevent them from speaking out. Feminists become morbidly obese for no reason at all.

 

Did you hear about Harvey Weinstein’s sex tape? No, it’s real! It goes over your mouth like this… MMMMHMMMMHMMM

 

Just think, ladies and gentlemen, about how many left-wing dominoes have fallen over the past few weeks. Dozens of the bastards. And when you’ve stopped drooling and touching yourself, reflect on the odious hypocrisy of liberals who say all conservatives are racists and sexists.

 

At least now we know why liberal women think all men are rapists. They think we’re all like liberal men! Hillary thinks we’re all like Bill. Huma thinks we’re all like Wiener. And every woman in Hollywood thinks we’d be Weinsteins if only we could get away with it.

 

Surrounded by low-testosterone, soy-guzzling losers, liberals think we’re all like the creepy sex pests they share newsrooms and TV studios with.

 

A recent Brunel university study assessed male political views in relation to height, weight, physical strength and bicep circumference, concluding that stronger, hotter men are vastly more likely to be conservatives, while soy-soaked Gawker fags who can barely lift up their latte in the morning are overwhelmingly socialist.

 

This is why libertarians are wrong: we could fix America’s entire Millennial politics problem with compulsory gym sessions.

 

But enough about the sweaty incubi of New York media. Tonight I’m going to tell you about the surprising history of Halloween. We will get to it in a minute, really.

 

Trigger warning for liberals and atheist boneheads: If you take one lesson away from tonight, it should be that Christianity, and specifically Catholicism are the best trolls of all. The worship of Jesus Christ by young Americans upsets the progressive Left, godless Europeans and Muslim maniacs more than a hundred dangerous faggots.

 

And I don’t say that lightly… I’ve literally witnessed spontaneous feminist combustion at the sight of my book’s sales figures.

 

(SLIDE: DANGEROUS COVER WITH ‘A MAMMOTH BESTSELLER AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN FUCKING DO ABOUT IT’) –

 

Like almost everything liberalism has taught you, the history of Halloween you know is all wrong.

 

If you think you know anything about the history of Halloween, you believe it is a mish mash of pagan traditions mostly based on the Celtic new year, which is called “Sow-in”(Samhain).

 

The problem is that according to the best historians, that theory doesn’t hold water. Most of the links between Halloween and Samhain are tenuous, and were developed by boring Protestant killjoys — history’s precursors to social justice warriors — intent on stopping Halloween celebrations in this country in the past.

 

To give you a frame of reference, The Protestants in America in the 1800’s were like feminists or Muslims, without the piercings, hair dye and burkas, but with the same lack of humor and hatred for anything remotely resembling fun.

 

Of course, some aspects of Samhain remained in the Catholic practices that took hold after AD 600.  Of course, even the Protestants weren’t all wrong. It is true that Catholics had a real knack for culturally appropriating aspects of Pagan culture to ease the population’s transition into Christianity, like honoring sacred springs and blessing the harvest. They just threw out all the bad bits, like human sacrifice.

 

I know, everything you’ve been told is that only evil white Americans can culturally appropriate, but trust me, cultural appropriation is a good thing that has been happening since pre-history. Imagine an Indigenous American without horses or glass beads.

 

So if Halloween didn’t come from the pagans, where did it come from? The only place worse for grumpy Protestants than Paganism…. The Catholics!

 

(SLIDE: SORRY HOMOS AND BABY-KILLERS, CATHOLICS ARE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING) –

 

Halloween is actually “All Hallow’s Eve,” the night before November 1, which in the Catholic church is All Saints Day.

 

All Saints Day is a day of worship for Catholics that commemorates all of the saints, and all people who are in Heaven, such as Margaret Thatcher and Skeletor. This is followed by November 2, All Souls Day, which commemorates those that have passed on but not yet achieved heaven. You know who you are.

 

Most of the practices associated with Halloween actually come directly from these ancient celebrations in the Catholic church.

 

On Halloween, churches would display the bones and relics of saints. This multi-day celebration of the dead evolved in Mexico and Latin America into the “day of the dead”, and certainly one thing held in common by Christians and Pagans of olden days is that the barrier between the world of the living and that of the dead is thinnest between October 31 and November 2.

 

Typically they look like this:

 

SLIDE: JEWELLED SKELETON

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/meet-the-fantastically-bejeweled-skeletons-of-catholicisms-forgotten-martyrs-284882/

 

Perhaps one advantage of the takeover by Mexico of the United States would be fabulously creepy Halloweens. These are costume competition winners for sure.

 

Starting with the Reformation, Protestants have been attacking Catholic traditions like All Saints Day. It was on Halloween exactly five hundred years ago today that Martin Luther nailed his ninety-five theses to the chapel door in Wittenberg where his lord Frederick of Saxony kept all his relics, which were to be shown to the people the next day.

 

They attacked Christmas and Easter celebrations in much the same way with considerably less success, but even in America Halloween has a rocky history.

 

Because of the protestant nature of America in colonial times, Halloween was not widely celebrated outside of Maryland and southern colonies. Likewise, American Protestants fought the celebration throughout much of the 1800s.  Much of the bad press about Halloween and it’s supposed Satanic nature comes from the Reformation and stodgy Protestant thinking. They needed the same advice we give leftists today… Loosen up the collars, folks!

 

Certainly, how we celebrate Halloween today, especially the revealing costumes, didn’t come straight from Catholicism. But most of our Halloween traditions are a mixture of different culture’s celebrations coming together to form a new whole.

 

Who would have guessed that there is a real example of multiculturalism working in practice? All it takes is a bunch of different European Catholics coming together in a new country! Unlike other waves of religious influence, there are no acid attacks, female genital mutilation, maniac truck drivers or honor killings, just fun-sized Snickers and carved pumpkins.

 

The massive influx of Catholic immigrants who came to this country in the late 1800s with bringing us the roots of our current Halloween. It’s hard to believe, but the Halloween you and I look forward to every year is only slightly over 100 years old — about the same age as Nancy Pelosi.

 

Many of these traditions come from the Irish, which immigrated here in huge numbers before 1900. So give the irish some credit; they’ve brought a lot to America. They built the railroads. They gave us an excuse to drink a ton of beer on St Patrick’s Day, and, as a recent eagle-eyed liberal reporter noticed, they’ve given us all the best conservative hellraisers of the last half-decade.

 

(SLIDE: http://www.newsweek.com/why-are-all-conservative-loudmouths-irish-american-691691) –

 

Even I have a little Irish in me. Well, I used to. His name was Conor.

 

We will be waiting a while before any journalist writes a similar racially-tinged feature wondering innocently why so many Jews in Hollywood are pedophile-excusing liberal cuntbuckets, I’m guessing, but all the same I think they are right about the determination and defiant spirit of the Irish.


In America, the Irish found that pumpkins were cheaper than turnips, so they changed the tradition. You can always count on the Irish to take the cheap route.

 

The Irish, British, and French all contributed to the notion of Halloween costumes. Hundreds of years ago, All Hallow’s Eve was a time to ask God to protect the Earth from evil. As part of the celebration, Catholics would put on costumes representing both evil spirits and saints to act out the battle of good and evil.

 

Some people also wore masks so that if they ran into a ghost, they would be seen as another spirit and not as a living person.

Costumes are why Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. It’s the one day a year girls dress like guys wish they would all year round.

 

It’s the night of a thousand triggerings, with fragile snowflake liberals, like, literally shaking at the sight of a mariachi costume or, Heaven forfend, a Native American headdress.

 

Little do they realise that Red Indian headdresses cannot be offensive, because they don’t in any way represent modern Native American culture. Today, if you want to be really culturally sensitive, your Native costume consists of a paunch, a six-pack of Bud Light and some betting slips.

 

Halloween has something for everyone. Obese people can get all the candy they want and eat it openly. The calories don’t count as long as the candy bars are “fun size”, or so they think.

 

My gay fans get to enjoy hunks in slutty costumes too. Men can be thots! As far as I can tell, the only costume they don’t make a “sexy” version of is Michelle Obama, because crossdressers aren’t cute.

 

Now I want to get to the treat bit of the speech, but before I do: who knew there’d be such a brilliant selection of last-minute Halloween costumes this year? This year there’s one particular outfit everyone’s thinking of — it’s a hideous round orange thing… Kevin Spacey’s prison jumpsuit!

 

Poor Kevin. All those lucrative gigs drying up. And at his age! He’s not the looker he once was. I’m told he only took the role in Glengarry, Glen Ross because he thought he’d be the meat in a Glenn sandwich. Fast forward six months and even Lamar from Cell Block E will see him bending over to get the soap and say, “Naw, I’m good.”

 

Kevin Spacey’s not even the best outfit this year. In California your best bet is to dress up as an ICE agent — guaranteed to upset illegal Mexican restaurant workers and their well-meaning white liberal neighbors at the same time!

 

(SLIDE: MILO AS ICE OFFICER) –

 

That’s me, dressed as an ICE officer, looking lovely. There was a rumor, based on this slide, that I was going to out undocumented students at UC Berkeley in February. I wasn’t. That was a total lie. And I was really mad when I saw that a Berkeley had professor had just made it.

 

Not because he lied, obviously. I was furious I hadn’t thought of it first!

 

Incidentally, the Washington Post admitted just a couple of days ago, after a new study, that anti-semitic attitudes are, in their words, “very rare” among whites and Asians in America, but common among Latinos and blacks.  

 

So really my quest to deport all illegal workers and close the borders to undesirables is rooted in social justice. I want harmony, equality, peace. According to the Washington Post, an end to neo-Nazism means no more Hispanic immigration! If the Democrats keep importing third-worlders from all over the place they are going to have a hell of a job policing racial harmony, that’s all I’m saying.  Yuli Girriel’s sensitivity training is just the start.

 

That’s the dirty secret they don’t want you to know, of course. There are almost no racists left among white populations. The specter of white nationalism has been cooked up by the media to scare you. It’s a moral panic, like acid rain, Satanic ritual abuse or climate change.

 

But people from other cultures — let’s not even start on Islam — have some pretty fragrant views about us.

 

Obviously there are some other no-brainer costumes. For those of you in the southeast, consider a Dodge Challenger with an Antifa protester still lodged in the front grille.

 

If you’re a Gender Studies major you can wear your dissertation around your neck and when people ask just tell them you’ve come as a fucking idiot.

 

Students at UC Irvine can don a Pac-Man suit and try to eat women in burkas. WAKA WAKA WAKA!

 

Look to Hollywood, perhaps. I don’t know what you’d wear to indicate you’re a woman who took a payoff to shut up before calculating that it was more professionally advantageous to speak out than to stay silent before becoming shrill, hysterical and completely unsympathetic, totally snatching defeat from the jaws of victory just before it comes out that you were considering ANOTHER bribe to stay quiet, this time in the high 7 figures… but I’m sure that Party City still has the Rose McGowan in stock.

 

There are no heroes in any of these stories, you know. I know famous people have access to some good drugs, but the Rohypnol they’ve been using is off the charts. Never mind blacking out for 24 hours, some of these women took three decades to realize they’d been assaulted. Just as their careers started to slow down, though I’m sure that’s a total coincidence.

 

Kevin Spacey himself has worn many costumes in his life, both on and off screen. He has always played a sort of cat and mouse game with the press when it comes to his personal life, leaving clues to his misdeeds and daring people to out him. But even Anthony Rapp must have been stunned by the chutzpah of Spacey, who he said threw himself on top of the young Rapp and started squeezing, calling his House of Cards character President Underwood.

 

It turns out that in Spacey, no one can hear you scream.

 

A serious word about Spacey, by the way. I haven’t always had the best of relations with the gay community. But they were right about one thing this week.

 

(SLIDE: DRUNK AND GAY SO IT’S OKAY) –

 

Like them, I am disgusted by Kevin Spacey’s shallow, transparent attempt to cloak himself in gay privilege as a way of distracting us from allegations he tried to seduce a 14-year-old child. In his apology, Spacey is trying to say that because he is gay he should be treated with kid gloves. No. I don’t care if he’s gay — and everyone knew that anyway. What I want to know is how many young boys he has harmed or attempted to harm.

 

This is why identity politics is so poisonous: it seeks to establish separate rules for separate groups based on perceived, or more often simply imaginary, victimhood. Gay people should be held to the same standards as everyone else.

I’m gay. I have been very drunk. It never made me want to touch kids. From America to you, Mr Spacey: go fuck yourself.

 

By the way, they cancelled House of Cards awfully quickly, didn’t they? Almost like they know it’s true and that there’s a ton more to come. I guess we will have to wait to find out, but in the meantime, everything you thought about Hollywood is being revealed as true, in grisly technicolor and full THX surround sound.

 

It’s a shame there’s no metaphor for a cascading failure, you know things all falling down…

 

How delightful that the entire edifice is crumbling, with the rot spreading all the way to the Democrat Party. You can just imagine it when Hillary Clinton finally gets asked whether she murdered Seth Rich. “I was drunk, I don’t remember, and anyway I’m gay!”

 

The LGBT spectrum has devolved to the point of being an excuse for serious crimes. Bruce Jenner runs over a woman, but it’s okay, because he’s a tranny!  Kevin Spacey molests boys, but it’s okay because he’s a homo!  Pretty soon, episodes of Law & Order are going to include scenes where they have to release serial killers because they identify as attack helicopters.

 

The Spacey revelations, as some of you may know, is a subject close to my heart. I will always reserve the right to make light of my own experiences. I won’t allow witch-hunts from Left or Right to silence my voice on any subject. In February, a manufactured controversy from the media attempted to present me as an advocate for something that appals me: the abuse of young boys. They tried to make a victim out to be an apologist. That is the viciously cruel, sociopathic nature of the American media.

 

Remember all that? But as they say, if you come for the King, you best not miss. And nothing the lying media has hurled at me, then or since, has diminished my fervour in defending western civilization from the evils of Islam, feminism, cycle enthusiasts and vegan food delivery services.

 

For a counterpoint — to illustrate how differently the media treats the sins of Hollywood icons — consider this headline from ABC News, which was published after Kevin Spacey made a laughably poor defense that he was drunk, he didn’t remember what happened and by the way he’s gay so you should just go away and stop asking questions.

 

(SLIDE: ABC ‘EMOTIONAL TWEET’ HEADLINE) –

 

This is what they ran with after a grown man was accused of attempting to molest a child.

 

To children, the most important part of Halloween is trick-or-treating.

 

31 October is the only night 14-year-olds willingly go to Kevin Spacey’s house.

 

In the Spacey household, trick or treating is called “free home delivery.”

 

In fact I’m told there’s a group of teens banging on Kevin Spacey’s front door right now. I hope he lets them out!

 

Children of course aren’t really interested in the trick part, mainly collecting as many treats as is possible. Tricking is more common for adults, and I mean that both in the sense of playing tricks and turning tricks. I’ve done both, if you believe the less reputable progressive blogs.

 

Trick-or-treating is another Catholic tradition that comes from multiple cultures and evolved over time.

 

Over time that evolved into people, especially children, going from house to house and asking for food or money. Frightful creatures terrorizing the streets, demanding handouts… it’s amazing Democrats hate Halloween so much.

 

(SLIDE: THE WAR ON HALLOWEEN) –

 

But they do. Like the war on Christmas, there is in culture today a war on Halloween. It is waged in the pages of student newspapers, Buzzfeed editorials and MSNBC. Throughout American history, Halloween has been attacked by all kinds of enemies. Much of the original war on Halloween came from protestants who despised Catholic tradition, and hoped to keep American culture free of its influence.

 

This still exists: the connection between Halloween and satanism, witchcraft, and other dark forces is largely an invention of the Protestant Reformation and its lingering aftershocks felt centuries later and across an ocean.

 

Today there is a new war on Halloween being waged by the spiritual successors of the uptight Protestants, the American Left. They are obsessed with destroying Halloween traditions as an attack not directly on Catholics, but on American culture in general and fun in particular.

 

Who here has run afoul of something like this?

 

(SLIDE: IS YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME RACIST? (OR SIMILAR)) –

 

The political Left these days spends more time telling you what kind of costumes you should wear than teaching you to critically think about historical or social issues.

 

They are concerned more with policing sexist language than outing rapists.

 

More concerned with worrying about whether an outfit is racist than considering the effect on racial harmony of importing millions of foreign people.

 

The Left believes that words are more important than actions. This is an absurd debasement of our national life and a serious danger to democracy. They seek to undermine the distinction between the two with violent responses to ideas they don’t like. As though it’s okay to punch someone in the face for telling the wrong joke.

 

Before us, they were winning the war on campuses. Now we see the last, desperately tragic death throes of a movement in crisis.

 

At the University of Wisconsin-Platteville, a group costume of the “Three Blind Mice” was banned.  It was found to be insensitive… to disabled people. Everyone here will have their own favorite, equally lunatic example.

 

The University of Colorado Boulder has instructed its students not to wear “offensive” Halloween costumes such as cowboys, Indians, sombreros, white trash or anything that shows any culture as being “over-sexualized.” Because God forbid any of us might find each other attractives. A liberal’s idea of good sex is staring terrified at the ceiling while Harvey Weinstein cums on your shoes.

 

The depraved hypocrisy of these funless, sexless bores is amazing. And now they want to tell us how children can dress, finger-wagging at us because we’re supposedly racist while they literally circle the wagons around rapists and pedophiles.

 

The biggest no-no of the year is Moana, the Hawaiian Disney princess, which Cosmo says your white kid shouldn’t dress up as.

 

There’s also Elsa, the Disney Princess from Frozen, because dressing up like Elsa promotes “White Beauty.”

 

A lot of these rules seem to be aimed at avoiding the imaginary evil of cultural appropriation. They also seem intent on stopping cross-dressing for Halloween, which seems entirely at odds with their dedication the other 364 days of the year to turn men into women, women into men and children into desperately confused, suicidal fuck-ups.

 

Some schools have gone so far as to ban Halloween entirely. They call it “orange and black” day. They call it the “fall festival.” They have even changed it to “Hat Day” in some places.


The left would be more welcoming to the return of Pagan Samhain (sow-in) or a genuinely Satanic celebration than they are to the entirely harmless modern secularized version of the Catholic Halloween.

 

These silly rules and regulations on costumes are no better than those instituted by the Protestants of yesteryear who wanted to shut down Catholic celebrations. And they will be just as unsuccessful, because the drive to show up in funny Mexican costumes, dress as silly ninjas, and yes even pose as sexy nuns is too powerful to be beaten back by these odious killjoys.

 

One of the great things about America is that people can disagree without mass violence and heads being cut off. If you don’t like Halloween, if you are of the mistaken belief that it is a pagan festival, just don’t participate. Don’t dress up, don’t give out candy, and sit in your college ivory tower, stewing in your own fetid juices.


The rest of us will spend the night being dangerous and having fun. America is about freedom, saying what we want without worrying about offending people who disagree, and expressing ourselves however we see fit.

 

(SLIDE: GOD IS COOL AGAIN) –

 

So tonight is a night of mischief, debauchery, and, yes, undeniably some sweets…. chocolate and human might I add.

 

Halloween is a completely secularized holiday, celebrated by people of all faiths and atheists alike. Other Christian holidays are headed the same way, most worryingly Christmas and Easter.

 

But it is time to share with you the special lesson of tonight’s Troll Academy.

If you really want to horrify the Left and scare them worse than the scariest horror movie, or the thought of Amy Schumer’s monthly Grubhub bill, it’s time put the Catholicism back into Halloween.

 

After you have fun tonight … prepare to celebrate All Saints Day tomorrow.

 

Pray for God to protect humanity from evil.

 

On All Saints Day, thank the saints who each in their own special way stood up for all Christians with their special faith.

 

Honor them, and have a special meal with family or those closest to you.

 

On Thursday, All Souls Day, feed the hungry. Pray for those who have not reached Heaven, whether through murder, adultery, theft or lesbianism. Remember family members that have passed on. If you can, visit a graveyard and pray for those that cannot pray for themselves.

 

But remember, this doesn’t have to be a stodgy affair.  Have fun too!  Dig into some candy, enjoy scary stories, and never be afraid of offending losers with costumes.

 

When we can apply those rules to our daily lives instead of just Halloween, we’ll be making progress in the culture war against the puritanical forces of the progressive left.

 

We are witnessing an eclipse: the old moral order of social justice is being replaced by the new. The cultural scolds and schoolmarms and nannies are being displaced, and a new generation of fun loving dissidents are running amuck.

I am one of them. And so are you. Go forth and offend. And Happy Halloween.

Chadwick Moore is a journalist, political commentator, and editor-in-chief of DANGEROUS, currently working on his first book. He tweets at @Chadwick_Moore.

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